58 min Elanga shoots from distance and Garner wears it in the phizog; that should remind him he's alive.
56 min The corner comes to nowt but Everton keep on Newcastle, who have been every bit as tediously tepid tonight as they were at Leeds and Coventry. The game being the game, if they don't start playing soon, Matthias Jaissle will himself getting played.
55 min Newcastle were, I think booed off at half-time, and they've not played any better since then. Everton win a corner and though it's cleared, they have Newcastle boxed, George crossing to the back pot where Branthwaite is up way above Hall, his header tipped behind by Hornicek.
53 min Back to Barry, the chance he took was unmissable, but what counts is that he was there. He never hides and, though some of his work is untidy, no striker takes every chance: what counts is having the goldfish memory to come back like it never happened.
51 min Yup, it's a goal, one Everton have earned. But the way Newcastle allowed George to get away was amateurish in the extreme, Dedic and Elanga responsible for it.
50 min VAR wants a look: was Barry offside at the start of the move; was George; and did Barry foul Schar? I think the answer will be three nos, an arm catching the defender but as Barry ran into the box, propelling himself in the usual manner.
He's always there! The free-kick goes short, just a way of getting Dewsbury-Hall back on the ball to try making something happen. And he does, punching a straight pass in behind Dedic, on to which George runs; he opens his body and curls almost straight at Hornicek, who allows the ball to squirm away from him, Barry there on the line to force home.
48 min It's absolutely hosing down now, which might speed up the tempo; let's hope so. Back on the pitch, Gonzalez gives it away and Barry gets to the ball before Joelinton, who leaves something on him; free-kick Everton, just outside the centre-circle.
47 min "If it helps"," writes Scott Blair, "it always cheers me up when yer man Dewsbury-Hall is playing because I can't help thinking of a favourite song. I imagine this has been pointed out several times before, but still. If it's a dull game..."
To me, he sounds like the venue for a Poirot, where we investigate the murder of the late Cissy Double-Barrelled.
46 min We go again…
Half-time email: "When the Founding Members of the S̶t̶o̶n̶e̶c̶u̶t̶t̶e̶r̶s̶ English Premier League met at a̶ ̶N̶u̶c̶l̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶F̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶O̶u̶t̶ ̶S̶h̶e̶l̶t̶e̶r̶ Lancaster Gate in 1991, they planned for Will Osula and Thierno Barry to headline a midweek EPL 'cracker' 25 years later?" wonders Chris Paraskevas. "Looks like everything is going to plan beautifully."
Everton, at least, are trying to make things happen. I've not a clue what Newcastle are going for.
Half-time entertainment:
Everton ought to have scored and haven't; Newcastle look like they're not sure the concept of scoring even exists.
45+2 min Now Dewbury-Hall runs the channel at outside-left, looking up so that, with the defenders expecting another cross, he instead clips a cut-back to the edge, Armstrong arriving on to it. So he opens body to allow the ball across it, looking to use its passage to sidefoot tino the far corner … but he sends the effort wide.
45+2 min George wins it high and finds Dewsbury-Hall, the best player on the pitch, left-hand side. He swings in a delectable cross but, at the back post, a leaping Barnes does just enough to block O'Brien's line of vision, and he can only bundle wide.
45+1 min "Yawn," begins Evan Crocker. "As afternoon work from home games go, this one is making me long for a pointless meeting."
Anyone got anything to add? Words which at once bring hope – are we done? – and dread – who are these guts with their hands raised?
45 min We'll have two additional minutes.
44 min "San Mames surely the best" of the city-centre grounds, says Ian. I didn't get to the original, and guess I've wiped the new rendition from my memory, having been there for the 2025 Europa League final. I quite liked it, though, and you can get a glass of wine very near to it for a price far more reasonable than I was expecting.
42 min I'll level with you: I've seen better games. We're still without a shot on target, itself a reflection of incompetence, because barry didn't even connect with the best opportunity to furnish us with one.
40 min Joelinton snaps in on George and Willock picks up the loose ball, then finds him. From 20 yards, he unloads the suitcase on a shot but, right of centre, he hits across the ball, so it screeches wide of the angle.
40 min "This match could do with Anthony Gordon," reckons Kári Tulinius. "Though perhaps he needs a well-functioning attack to truly shine. Newcastle aren't bad at attacking by Premier League standards, but constructing attacks seems like it's a lost art in the Premier League. The expectation is that good players can do things on their own. So on second thought, this game doesn't need Anthony Gordon, it needs a culture that values intricate attacking to come into being in England."
Yup, I think the increased physicality, along with man-to-mark marking and analysis of everything means that, increasingly, teams are reliant on moments of inspiration for their goals.
38 min Slightly better from Newcastle, Barnes this time looking to curl low inside the near post; Branthwaite sticks out a leg to concede the corner … which comes to nowt.
37 min O'Brien comes up behind Hall, ball long gone, shoves him hard, and somehow escapes a caution.
36 min "Easter Road – with Sunshine on Leith echoing around the lovely place!" says Michael Watson of great town centre grounds, and didn't it sound especially good yesterday. The best football anthem, by far.
34 min It's Garner, who goes waist-high looking to pierce the wall, but it does its job.
32 min George into Barry, on the edge, Burn committing himself and introducing studs to ankle. He's booked and Newcastle must now defend a free-kick that is probably a little closer than Garner and Dewsbury-Hall want.
31 min George into Barry, who flicks off for the the onrushing Dewsbury-Hall … to not quite collect. So Everton build again, the locals getting restless.
30 min Newcastle's passivity is very strange. They're at home and the crowd are struggling to get involved because there's so little intensity on the pitch. As I type, Barnes again crosses to the back post, but Mykolenko gets up to head away.
27 min George wriggles space down the left and stands up a cross, but no one in the middle can quite get to it. Everton, though, are much the better side, Newcastle sitting off and letting them play.
27 min Great town-centre grounds of our time: St James' Park, Millennium Stadium, Beskitas. Any more for any more?
25 min Everton keep looking for George, who oozes infield again, then whacks across a shot which sails away somewhere off towards Morpeth.
25 min This Newcastle kit: has someone gone into the Adidas office and said "Yeah, make it look like a proper barcode please"?
22 min Everton win a free-kick sent into the box, and Branthwaite is up to head back and dow for Barry, who's away from his man, ball bouncing into stride. He might compose and sidefoot but instead rushes and laces fresh air, a waste of a decent opportunity. I'm not sure he'll ever fully eradicate the carelessness in his game, but he can definitely get better at slowing himself down.